The Worst of Humanity: It’s in the Comments Section
by Melissa del Bosque
Share Published on: Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Some days writing about our southern border really gets me down. Not because I have to read about everything that’s happening out there (at least I try to). The problem is the comments on the stories. I always tell myself I won’t read them, yet I always do … and this is where my heart just sinks.
What in the hell is wrong with people? This was my thought last night (well, at least one of the thoughts that can be printed) as I read an Associated Press story about the 15-year old boy from Juarez shot and killed Monday under an international bridge by a Border Patrol agent. The AP story had 2,197 comments last night almost all of them sick, hateful, racist and downright disturbing. Here’s the very first comment from a guy called Jonah:
"Hey, Border Patrol. Keep up the good work. You're doing America a great service by keeping these@#$%roaches out of this Once-great nation. This should also be added to immigration reform: shoot illegals first then ask questions later. Simple and plain."
I always wonder what these people are like in their day-to-day lives? In his spare time Jonah likes to wear a pointy white pillowcase on his head (with large eye holes mind you, so he can see his computer screen) and refer to human beings online as “cockroaches that should be killed.” But hey, he’s a great dad and coaches Little League on the weekend.
Here’s another one:
"No sympathy for a 14 year old who acts like an adult criminal viciously assaulting American law enforcement. This is the beginning of the mexican crime spilling into OUR country. This violent gang member, drug dealing, B A S T A R D deserved to die."
The second commenter like most of the commenters I suspect, didn’t even read the story. This is especially disheartening for journalists. (Not only did they not read the story, now they are going to leave some poisonous comment that has nothing to do with your story.) At least I hope that’s the case, otherwise this person is just delusional. The kid allegedly threw rocks at the Border Patrol officer. And we won’t even be sure he threw rocks until the FBI concludes its investigation. (if he did, does that offense deserve death?) Plus, he was shot and killed on Mexican soil. I didn’t see any reference in the article to the boy being a drug dealer, a violent gang member or a bastard for that matter. Plus, the commenter is saying that a 15-year-old boy deserved to die?!
The immigration stories are the worst. Nothing makes these online bigots more rabid and xenophobic than the notion of “illegal immigrants.” In their eyes, there is no punishment severe enough for “the illegals.” Forget BP, forget Goldman Sachs and our corrupted financial market – all of it is the illegals fault. “WHAT PART OF ‘ILLEGAL’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?” They like to write in their hate-filled comments. (Do they not understand that block letters mean they are YELLING at everyone, or is their eyesight just bad?)
I think the turning point for me was last summer when we had the flu outbreak that originated in Mexico. A commenter in a Houston Chronicle story said he hoped that “the flu killed all of the Mexican children.”
The comment just floored me. How can people so disassociate themselves from humanity that they can advocate for the deaths of children, and other commenters encourage this kind of hate-filled diatribe online?
I’m an advocate for free speech. But these hate-filled comments truly make me want to take a rain check on humanity. I was raised to believe that America was a country that encouraged tolerance and racial inclusion. Something like what happened in Germany could never happen here. I tend to think that bloggers over-step the line when they refer to Nazi Germany. So I never do. But in this case—when people are advocating for the deaths of an entire nationality and their children—I don’t think the analogy is off base.
Intolerance, ignorance and racism are alive and well in the good ‘ol USA, folks. If you don’t believe me, just read the comments section.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water....
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air....
4. No one knows your secret place....
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world....
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity....
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already.
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water....
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air....
4. No one knows your secret place....
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world....
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity....
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Escrow 101: Foreclosure and Short Sale Terminology Explained
Posted by CV Escrow on April 29th, 2010
Short sales and foreclosures are the current hot topic in real estate with many of these types of transactions coming across the Escrow Officers desk. Foreclosures and short sales are often confused but they are two distinct processes supported by their own individual terminology. Following is a summary of many of the most common terms that a buyer and seller will experience in purchasing/selling either a foreclosure or short sale property.
Foreclosures
Pre-foreclosure: The period beginning with initial mortgage default up to when the distressed property is sold
Notice of Default (NOD): official notice from the lender that the Borrower has defaulted. The NOD formally starts the foreclosure process and it outlines the reinstatement period.
Reinstatement Period: The time frame stipulated in the NOD that the borrower has to reinstate the loan by making payments and bringing account back to good standing.
Trustee Sale: if after the reinstatement period has expired the loan is still in default the lender can then sell the property as soon as 21 days after the Notice of Trustee Sale is recorded.
Publication Period: begins once the redemption period has expired and must be at least 21 Days prior to trustee Sale. A notice is published once a week for three weeks in the local newspaper.
Notice of Trustee Sale (NTS): Recorded document explaining when and where the foreclose sale will be held.
Redemption Period: The time period that the distressed borrower has to redeem the loan after the NOD is recorded. In California, that time period is 90 days. (not to be confused with statutory right of redemption)
Statutory Right of Redemption: One year after the Trustee Sale the borrower can make payment of loan in full plus costs to redeem.
Real Estate Owned (REO): the status of the property when the ownership is transferred involuntarily from the homeowner to the bank.
Short Sales
Short Sale: When a lender agrees to accept less then what is owed on the mortgage and release its lien on the property.
The Property is “upside down”: This phrase is commonly used to describe a situation where the amount due on the existing loan is higher than what the property is appraised for or will sell for.
Loss Mitigation Department: The department at the lender that is responsible for reviewing all short sale documentation, ordering a BPO, and approving or denying short sale.
BPO: Brokers Price Opinion (BPO), typically ordered by lender, is a property valuation report to help determine what the property might sell for.
This list of terms serves as a foundation for future posts where we will further describe the process of a foreclosure and short sale as well as compare and contrast the differences between the two. Stay tuned!
Interested in what you are reading? To automatically receive these Escrow Tips in your email box, subscribe to these articles at the top right corner of this site (www.CoachellaValleyEscrow.com) in the box titled “Subscribe via Email
Posted by CV Escrow on April 29th, 2010
Short sales and foreclosures are the current hot topic in real estate with many of these types of transactions coming across the Escrow Officers desk. Foreclosures and short sales are often confused but they are two distinct processes supported by their own individual terminology. Following is a summary of many of the most common terms that a buyer and seller will experience in purchasing/selling either a foreclosure or short sale property.
Foreclosures
Pre-foreclosure: The period beginning with initial mortgage default up to when the distressed property is sold
Notice of Default (NOD): official notice from the lender that the Borrower has defaulted. The NOD formally starts the foreclosure process and it outlines the reinstatement period.
Reinstatement Period: The time frame stipulated in the NOD that the borrower has to reinstate the loan by making payments and bringing account back to good standing.
Trustee Sale: if after the reinstatement period has expired the loan is still in default the lender can then sell the property as soon as 21 days after the Notice of Trustee Sale is recorded.
Publication Period: begins once the redemption period has expired and must be at least 21 Days prior to trustee Sale. A notice is published once a week for three weeks in the local newspaper.
Notice of Trustee Sale (NTS): Recorded document explaining when and where the foreclose sale will be held.
Redemption Period: The time period that the distressed borrower has to redeem the loan after the NOD is recorded. In California, that time period is 90 days. (not to be confused with statutory right of redemption)
Statutory Right of Redemption: One year after the Trustee Sale the borrower can make payment of loan in full plus costs to redeem.
Real Estate Owned (REO): the status of the property when the ownership is transferred involuntarily from the homeowner to the bank.
Short Sales
Short Sale: When a lender agrees to accept less then what is owed on the mortgage and release its lien on the property.
The Property is “upside down”: This phrase is commonly used to describe a situation where the amount due on the existing loan is higher than what the property is appraised for or will sell for.
Loss Mitigation Department: The department at the lender that is responsible for reviewing all short sale documentation, ordering a BPO, and approving or denying short sale.
BPO: Brokers Price Opinion (BPO), typically ordered by lender, is a property valuation report to help determine what the property might sell for.
This list of terms serves as a foundation for future posts where we will further describe the process of a foreclosure and short sale as well as compare and contrast the differences between the two. Stay tuned!
Interested in what you are reading? To automatically receive these Escrow Tips in your email box, subscribe to these articles at the top right corner of this site (www.CoachellaValleyEscrow.com) in the box titled “Subscribe via Email
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pedestrian-friendly neighborhoods within walking distance of schools, parks, and businesses may be more valuable than similar homes built where residents must drive to those amenities, according to a study by CEOs for Cities, a national network of civic, business, academic, and philanthropic leaders working to improve cities.
The group analyzed data from 94,000 real estate transactions in 15 major markets and found that in 13 of the 15 markets, neighborhoods that were more walkable had higher home values.
Walkability was based on a “Walk Score” rating of how close homes were to amenities such as restaurants, coffee shops, schools, parks, stores, and libraries. The group used the Walk Score to compare home values in neighborhoods that were different distances from amenities, but shared the same characteristics, including average homeowner income, home size, and home age.
A mix of common daily shopping and social destinations within a short distance added from $4,000 to $34,000 to home values, according to findings in the study, “Walking the Walk.”
The gains were larger in denser, urban areas like Chicago and San Francisco and smaller in less dense markets such as Tucson and Fresno.
What makes a community walkable?
Dan Burden, founder of Walkable Communities, has developed a 12-step checklist for defining, achieving, or strengthening a walkable community. Among the items on his list: a welcoming public space where people can gather and socialize, speed-controlled key streets, pedestrian-centric design, and a town center with a wide variety of shops and businesses.
Examples of walkable communities include Bethesda, Md.; Jackson, Wyo.; Madison, Wis.; and Savannah, Ga.
Safety and walkability
Although you can’t physically move your neighborhood closer to amenities, there are things you can do to raise its walkability factor.
Safety is a big concern for those on foot. To address safety concerns in Castle Hills, a walkable community outside Dallas, the developer built wider sidewalks, reduced speed limits, and installed solar-powered speed signs.
In Atlanta, a pedestrian safety advocacy group, PEDS, convinced 6,000 households to put up yard signs encouraging drivers to slow down, trained police officers on pedestrian safety law enforcement, encouraged local governments to use in-street crosswalk signs, and worked with the government to authorize red-light cameras to increase safety.
Improving walkability
In addition to making safety improvements, you can also try these tips for improving walkability from John Wetmore, producer of Perils For Pedestrians Television:
Trim shrubbery that’s blocking the sidewalk in front of your house.
Pick up trash and litter to make it a more pleasant place.
Support initiatives in your town to build new sidewalks and repair existing sidewalks.
Be polite to other drivers and pedestrians when you drive.
Set an example by walking more by yourself or with your family.
Walkability programs
A relatively low-cost way to get people walking in your neighborhood is to organize walk-to-school or walk-to-work events. International Walk to School in the USA offers a good planning guide with ideas for events that you can plan in as few as seven days.
Walk-to-work programs, such as those supported by the American Heart Association, use incentives and tools, such as pedometers, to encourage employees to forgo their cars and walk to work.
Some programs strive to make walking fun. Walk Arlington, an initiative of Arlington County, Va., holds scavenger hunts and sponsors senior adult walking clubs.
As you think about improving walkability in your current neighborhood or moving to a place with a higher walkability score, remember that the health and social benefits are plentiful and the payoff for home value is long lasting.
Sacha Cohen is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and founder of DCGoingGreen.net and grassfed media. She has written about sustainable travel, green buildings, and green communities for such outlets as The Washington Post and Planet Green.
The group analyzed data from 94,000 real estate transactions in 15 major markets and found that in 13 of the 15 markets, neighborhoods that were more walkable had higher home values.
Walkability was based on a “Walk Score” rating of how close homes were to amenities such as restaurants, coffee shops, schools, parks, stores, and libraries. The group used the Walk Score to compare home values in neighborhoods that were different distances from amenities, but shared the same characteristics, including average homeowner income, home size, and home age.
A mix of common daily shopping and social destinations within a short distance added from $4,000 to $34,000 to home values, according to findings in the study, “Walking the Walk.”
The gains were larger in denser, urban areas like Chicago and San Francisco and smaller in less dense markets such as Tucson and Fresno.
What makes a community walkable?
Dan Burden, founder of Walkable Communities, has developed a 12-step checklist for defining, achieving, or strengthening a walkable community. Among the items on his list: a welcoming public space where people can gather and socialize, speed-controlled key streets, pedestrian-centric design, and a town center with a wide variety of shops and businesses.
Examples of walkable communities include Bethesda, Md.; Jackson, Wyo.; Madison, Wis.; and Savannah, Ga.
Safety and walkability
Although you can’t physically move your neighborhood closer to amenities, there are things you can do to raise its walkability factor.
Safety is a big concern for those on foot. To address safety concerns in Castle Hills, a walkable community outside Dallas, the developer built wider sidewalks, reduced speed limits, and installed solar-powered speed signs.
In Atlanta, a pedestrian safety advocacy group, PEDS, convinced 6,000 households to put up yard signs encouraging drivers to slow down, trained police officers on pedestrian safety law enforcement, encouraged local governments to use in-street crosswalk signs, and worked with the government to authorize red-light cameras to increase safety.
Improving walkability
In addition to making safety improvements, you can also try these tips for improving walkability from John Wetmore, producer of Perils For Pedestrians Television:
Trim shrubbery that’s blocking the sidewalk in front of your house.
Pick up trash and litter to make it a more pleasant place.
Support initiatives in your town to build new sidewalks and repair existing sidewalks.
Be polite to other drivers and pedestrians when you drive.
Set an example by walking more by yourself or with your family.
Walkability programs
A relatively low-cost way to get people walking in your neighborhood is to organize walk-to-school or walk-to-work events. International Walk to School in the USA offers a good planning guide with ideas for events that you can plan in as few as seven days.
Walk-to-work programs, such as those supported by the American Heart Association, use incentives and tools, such as pedometers, to encourage employees to forgo their cars and walk to work.
Some programs strive to make walking fun. Walk Arlington, an initiative of Arlington County, Va., holds scavenger hunts and sponsors senior adult walking clubs.
As you think about improving walkability in your current neighborhood or moving to a place with a higher walkability score, remember that the health and social benefits are plentiful and the payoff for home value is long lasting.
Sacha Cohen is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and founder of DCGoingGreen.net and grassfed media. She has written about sustainable travel, green buildings, and green communities for such outlets as The Washington Post and Planet Green.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The top 10 short sale myths:
Myth 1: Arizona is a non-recourse state.
While there are laws that protect the homeowner from deficiency in a foreclosure or deed-in-lieu, these laws do not apply in a short sale. Only an experienced real estate attorney, after reviewing all loan documents, deeds-of-trust and short sale documents can properly ascertain that liability. As a Realtor you should NEVER give advice as to the homeowner's potential for deficiency liability. Even if that advice is technically correct, some lenders may file lawsuits regardless of the merits of the case, knowing that a certain percentage of borrowers will pay just to avoid going to court. Additionally, homeowners will often make incorrect statements as to the nature of their loans. Currently, we find about 60% of our clients are incorrect as to the nature of their loans which affects the potential for anti-deficiency protection. If a borrower is sued by their lender, there is a reasonable chance they will file a suit against the Realtor that handled the short sale. These suits can be difficult to defend, even if the Realtor made no representations as to the homeowners potential liability resulting from a short sale. For more information on deficiency liability read our article and blog on this subject.
Myth 2: Referring a homeowner to an attorney removes the liability from the Realtor.
If that homeowner does not retain the attorney, the protection for the Realtor is limited. Referring a homeowner to an attorney that represents the Realtor's company can also leave a disgruntled seller with a legitimate complaint relating to who was being represented by the attorney and the fact that the attorney had a conflict of interest. A written legal opinion as to the homeowner's potential for a deficiency lawsuit from a qualified, independent attorney provides the Realtor the most protection against a lawsuit arising from deficiency issues.
Myth 3: Realtors are protected by E&O insurance against lawsuits as a result of a short sale.
Many insurance providers require a rider for E&O coverage of short sales. Some designated brokers have elected not to provide this rider. Check with your designated broker to ensure you are covered.
Myth 4: Lenders lose more on foreclosures than short sales.
Since the lender may be protected by mortgage insurance or may have sold a loan into pools, the investor may receive more sales proceeds through a foreclosure at a lower sale price than through a short sale. In a foreclosure, the senior note holder (investor) gets paid before junior tranch holders are paid. This could result in a better payout for the senior note holder as a result of foreclosure (the senior note holder carries the majority vote on decisions related to this loan). Lenders also use NPV (Net Present Value) calculations to determine their best option. This takes into consideration many factors that consider the econimic interests only of the lender/investor. Hence, the reason that lenders/investors will sometimes make decisions to foreclose that seem on the surface not to make sense is often the result of the NPV test.
Myth 5: It is possible to have the lender report a short sale as paid in full as agreed on credit.
Although this has happened in a very few cases last year; the reality is that lawsuits by lenders on the new loans against previous lenders that did not report short sales have quickly put an end to this option. On rare occasions this may be negotiated if a forensic audit turns up a serious violation.
Myth 6: I should advertise myself as a short sale expert.
Although this may look good in advertising, it can quickly backfire on the Realtor. By calling yourself an expert you are held to a higher standard; that of a true "expert". Homeowners can claim they followed the advice of the Realtor because he/she claimed to be an expert and the Realtor will be evaluated at the higher standard of care.
Myth 7: If the borrower receives a 1099, the lender has taken their losses and will not pursue a deficiency judgment.
In the past it was accepted that the 1099 was an indication that the lender had written off the loan losses and would not pursue the borrower. However, lenders have sued borrowers years after that 1099 filing. In a recent appellate case (December 2009) of Amhurst Bank vs. Fossett the lender argued that they only file the 1099 because of federal accounting requirements and it was not releasing the borrower from liability. That court did not make a decision but sent the case down to the lower court to decide. Lenders are working hard in all states to get the rules changed in order to recapture more of their losses.
Myth 8: Once a trustee sale is completed there is no way to reverse it.
It may be possible to unwind a foreclosure after the trustee sale has completed. However, this requires careful analysis of the lender's actions and some proof of wrong doing on the part of the lender.
Myth 9: Borrower must be delinquent to get short sale approval.
We have seen some instances in which a short sale is completed without the borrower going delinquent. However, it is generally the case that lenders will not approve a short sale for a borrower that keeps their payments current. The flip side of this is that it creates more pressure on the Realtor to complete the short sale before the property goes to foreclosure. Usually lenders will extend trustee sale dates to facilitate a pending short sale, but not always. Increasingly, lenders are unwilling to extend short sale dates even with a valid offer pending on government loans.
Myth 10: Anti-deficiency laws do not apply to investment properties.
Although these laws are open for interpretation, the law simply states that the property must be "utilized". There are several cases in which the courts have determined that renting is considered a utilization of the property for purposes of allowing anti-deficiency protection.
Myth 1: Arizona is a non-recourse state.
While there are laws that protect the homeowner from deficiency in a foreclosure or deed-in-lieu, these laws do not apply in a short sale. Only an experienced real estate attorney, after reviewing all loan documents, deeds-of-trust and short sale documents can properly ascertain that liability. As a Realtor you should NEVER give advice as to the homeowner's potential for deficiency liability. Even if that advice is technically correct, some lenders may file lawsuits regardless of the merits of the case, knowing that a certain percentage of borrowers will pay just to avoid going to court. Additionally, homeowners will often make incorrect statements as to the nature of their loans. Currently, we find about 60% of our clients are incorrect as to the nature of their loans which affects the potential for anti-deficiency protection. If a borrower is sued by their lender, there is a reasonable chance they will file a suit against the Realtor that handled the short sale. These suits can be difficult to defend, even if the Realtor made no representations as to the homeowners potential liability resulting from a short sale. For more information on deficiency liability read our article and blog on this subject.
Myth 2: Referring a homeowner to an attorney removes the liability from the Realtor.
If that homeowner does not retain the attorney, the protection for the Realtor is limited. Referring a homeowner to an attorney that represents the Realtor's company can also leave a disgruntled seller with a legitimate complaint relating to who was being represented by the attorney and the fact that the attorney had a conflict of interest. A written legal opinion as to the homeowner's potential for a deficiency lawsuit from a qualified, independent attorney provides the Realtor the most protection against a lawsuit arising from deficiency issues.
Myth 3: Realtors are protected by E&O insurance against lawsuits as a result of a short sale.
Many insurance providers require a rider for E&O coverage of short sales. Some designated brokers have elected not to provide this rider. Check with your designated broker to ensure you are covered.
Myth 4: Lenders lose more on foreclosures than short sales.
Since the lender may be protected by mortgage insurance or may have sold a loan into pools, the investor may receive more sales proceeds through a foreclosure at a lower sale price than through a short sale. In a foreclosure, the senior note holder (investor) gets paid before junior tranch holders are paid. This could result in a better payout for the senior note holder as a result of foreclosure (the senior note holder carries the majority vote on decisions related to this loan). Lenders also use NPV (Net Present Value) calculations to determine their best option. This takes into consideration many factors that consider the econimic interests only of the lender/investor. Hence, the reason that lenders/investors will sometimes make decisions to foreclose that seem on the surface not to make sense is often the result of the NPV test.
Myth 5: It is possible to have the lender report a short sale as paid in full as agreed on credit.
Although this has happened in a very few cases last year; the reality is that lawsuits by lenders on the new loans against previous lenders that did not report short sales have quickly put an end to this option. On rare occasions this may be negotiated if a forensic audit turns up a serious violation.
Myth 6: I should advertise myself as a short sale expert.
Although this may look good in advertising, it can quickly backfire on the Realtor. By calling yourself an expert you are held to a higher standard; that of a true "expert". Homeowners can claim they followed the advice of the Realtor because he/she claimed to be an expert and the Realtor will be evaluated at the higher standard of care.
Myth 7: If the borrower receives a 1099, the lender has taken their losses and will not pursue a deficiency judgment.
In the past it was accepted that the 1099 was an indication that the lender had written off the loan losses and would not pursue the borrower. However, lenders have sued borrowers years after that 1099 filing. In a recent appellate case (December 2009) of Amhurst Bank vs. Fossett the lender argued that they only file the 1099 because of federal accounting requirements and it was not releasing the borrower from liability. That court did not make a decision but sent the case down to the lower court to decide. Lenders are working hard in all states to get the rules changed in order to recapture more of their losses.
Myth 8: Once a trustee sale is completed there is no way to reverse it.
It may be possible to unwind a foreclosure after the trustee sale has completed. However, this requires careful analysis of the lender's actions and some proof of wrong doing on the part of the lender.
Myth 9: Borrower must be delinquent to get short sale approval.
We have seen some instances in which a short sale is completed without the borrower going delinquent. However, it is generally the case that lenders will not approve a short sale for a borrower that keeps their payments current. The flip side of this is that it creates more pressure on the Realtor to complete the short sale before the property goes to foreclosure. Usually lenders will extend trustee sale dates to facilitate a pending short sale, but not always. Increasingly, lenders are unwilling to extend short sale dates even with a valid offer pending on government loans.
Myth 10: Anti-deficiency laws do not apply to investment properties.
Although these laws are open for interpretation, the law simply states that the property must be "utilized". There are several cases in which the courts have determined that renting is considered a utilization of the property for purposes of allowing anti-deficiency protection.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Interesting thoughts. I grabbed this one because we graduated our third dog, Zappa, into Trauma Intervention Programs' Trauma Dog program. (That was a bad sentence, but forgive me - that was the best I could come up with.)
By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP
We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.
In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.
“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”
“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”
What happens between people and their pets that accounts for this emotional outpouring of love?
Most will answer with the responses you have heard or given:
“The dog demands nothing from me – he just gives unconditional love.”
“The cats are a predictable source of comfort and soothing – they want to be near me.”
Pets? Not demanding? Predictable? … Really?
What’s interesting is that most pets are loved in a way that makes us minimize or even deny the reality that they definitely have demands we simply accept. Some will only eat certain food; many wake people in the middle of the night; most get sick on the rug; some eat furniture and a vast majority end up on the bed no matter what anyone says.
In one case, when the dalmatian was found eating the steak that had been marinating on the counter for dinner, the husband’s only reaction was “Might as well give him the vegetables and potatoes, and let him finish off the meal.”
Can we learn something from our relationship with pets that might enhance our relationship with partners?
Yes, if we are willing to take a closer look at ourselves.
The old expression “you get what you give” may apply here. Maybe you give something very positive to your pet that invites the unconditional love and connection that makes you feel so good. Maybe it has potential to enhance your relationship.
Can you credit yourself with any of the following?
Greetings
No matter how you feel or what mood you are in, you greet your pet with a positive, even animated, hello and often with a display of physical affection.
Expectations
With pets, maybe it’s your lack of expectation that makes the difference. You probably rarely predict that your pet will be angry if you are late. As a result, you don’t head home defensively angry in preparation for the reaction you expect to face.
Holding Grudges
When you do return home to find that your cats have redecorated the room with shreds of every tissue they could find or the dog has eaten some of the mail, you may well react with a choice expletive but you are not likely to hold a grudge. You are still going to be petting Donatello or cuddling with Thor the next day.
Assuming the Best
There is a natural tendency to forgive pets their trespasses – after all, the dog wasn’t trying to torture you by eating the mail. Was your partner really trying to torture you by putting it in such a safe spot it can’t be found?
Acceptance
Few pet owners personalize their pets’ reactions to others to an extreme that makes them so embarrassed that they fear their image is tarnished or they become resentful of their pets. The fact that the dog is licking every part of the arriving guest’s body is cause to pull him away or laugh it away. The cat that will not come out of hiding or the parrot that is screeching is left without judgment or excuses. That’s them!
For Better or For Worse
In most cases, pets are home to stay. People love and care for pets of every size, shape and disposition. “She’s not exactly a watch dog; she’s loving but easily frightened.” “He insists on sleeping on the bed – we have given in.” “She steals food from the other dogs, she’s pretty hyper, but cute.” Few pets live with the fear of being betrayed or with the implication that things are just not working out. Of course they don’t – but just consider how the absence of such fears enhances the trust and connection you feel from them!
So think about what you give your pet and maybe how — in addition to improving your health — your pet can improve your relationship!
By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP
We hardly need to look at the research to verify that pets do good things for people physically and emotionally. What is interesting in my work with couples is that although couples may vehemently disagree on most topics, they usually both soften in manner and tone to agree that the dog, cat, bird or horse is great.
In fact, if there is any criticism, it is the verbalized wish to receive the kind of love and attention the pet is getting.
“I only wish she was as affectionate with me as with our dog!”
“You should hear him speak to this animal – he never speaks to me that way.”
What happens between people and their pets that accounts for this emotional outpouring of love?
Most will answer with the responses you have heard or given:
“The dog demands nothing from me – he just gives unconditional love.”
“The cats are a predictable source of comfort and soothing – they want to be near me.”
Pets? Not demanding? Predictable? … Really?
What’s interesting is that most pets are loved in a way that makes us minimize or even deny the reality that they definitely have demands we simply accept. Some will only eat certain food; many wake people in the middle of the night; most get sick on the rug; some eat furniture and a vast majority end up on the bed no matter what anyone says.
In one case, when the dalmatian was found eating the steak that had been marinating on the counter for dinner, the husband’s only reaction was “Might as well give him the vegetables and potatoes, and let him finish off the meal.”
Can we learn something from our relationship with pets that might enhance our relationship with partners?
Yes, if we are willing to take a closer look at ourselves.
The old expression “you get what you give” may apply here. Maybe you give something very positive to your pet that invites the unconditional love and connection that makes you feel so good. Maybe it has potential to enhance your relationship.
Can you credit yourself with any of the following?
Greetings
No matter how you feel or what mood you are in, you greet your pet with a positive, even animated, hello and often with a display of physical affection.
Expectations
With pets, maybe it’s your lack of expectation that makes the difference. You probably rarely predict that your pet will be angry if you are late. As a result, you don’t head home defensively angry in preparation for the reaction you expect to face.
Holding Grudges
When you do return home to find that your cats have redecorated the room with shreds of every tissue they could find or the dog has eaten some of the mail, you may well react with a choice expletive but you are not likely to hold a grudge. You are still going to be petting Donatello or cuddling with Thor the next day.
Assuming the Best
There is a natural tendency to forgive pets their trespasses – after all, the dog wasn’t trying to torture you by eating the mail. Was your partner really trying to torture you by putting it in such a safe spot it can’t be found?
Acceptance
Few pet owners personalize their pets’ reactions to others to an extreme that makes them so embarrassed that they fear their image is tarnished or they become resentful of their pets. The fact that the dog is licking every part of the arriving guest’s body is cause to pull him away or laugh it away. The cat that will not come out of hiding or the parrot that is screeching is left without judgment or excuses. That’s them!
For Better or For Worse
In most cases, pets are home to stay. People love and care for pets of every size, shape and disposition. “She’s not exactly a watch dog; she’s loving but easily frightened.” “He insists on sleeping on the bed – we have given in.” “She steals food from the other dogs, she’s pretty hyper, but cute.” Few pets live with the fear of being betrayed or with the implication that things are just not working out. Of course they don’t – but just consider how the absence of such fears enhances the trust and connection you feel from them!
So think about what you give your pet and maybe how — in addition to improving your health — your pet can improve your relationship!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
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